Chaddi ka Funda

He adjusted his pants, albeit a little lower, rendering a wide band of Calvin Klein underwear exposed. The string of over obese letters written in bold Times Roman appeared like the set of teeth, worn-out by smoke, laughing at me gleefully. I suddenly got conscious and wondered if that Calvin Klein was mocking at my Roopa ;) .
I instantly provided some stimulus of huge breath-in to my 34 inches liability like waist and bailed out my pants which were going down like U.S economy with my hands. I had a paroxysm of Inferiority complex triggered by the new fashion mantra.
In the hindsight, I was shocked by a chaddi’s potency to make me feel inferior (even more than I normally do).
Like any other good and a fulltime wannabe I was also emotionally moved and instantly pumped up to soon flaunt my Calvin Klien chaddi proudly.
The very next day, I went to an undergarment shop and smugly asked for a Calvin Klien. However, the salesman without making any move and evincing an interest in the prospective sale, alerted me with the price “It’s for 1350”. He said trying to shoo me away as if he knew my spending power (Lack of it). However, being a veteran of massive humiliations of different kinds, these minor embarrassments seize to faze me anymore.
Moreover that salesman was not be blamed entirely, my looks are really deceptive… you know ;) . I am sure my face was made in a Chinese factory, by a trainee and without any quality control :(
However, I had to save my face in light of this embarrassing truth and replied back equally harshly “Is this price for just inquiring or do you sell one as well”. He seemed to have realized his mistake and frantically plucked out one fancy looking dabba from one of the wall mounted racks.
He asked me the size to which I told him flexible. He was upset by the answer and said “I am asking about the size of the underwear”. I told him to show me the colors first.

All this while, a different tussle was taking place in my mind. A very feeble and marginalized rationale part of my brain was trying to convince a strong gang of wanna be neurons against this buy.
I could not afford 1350 (My next five years budget for undergarments even after adjusting for inflation) for one elastic band around my waist. But that strong majority of wanna be neurons were constantly luring me with the fantasies of Calvin Klein peeping out of my pants and people irresistibly turning their heads looking with awe and envy at my priced possession as I walk away..
Finally, the wannabe in me prevailed as I made another dent to my depleting credit card limit.
Never had that part of my body been so close to something so expensive and it felt as if my testicles (Balls (to)…. for the less knowledgeable and decent ones) were jumping out of excitement.
I also realized that this is the most expensive resident of my wardrobe and merit a VVIP treatment. I carefully created a place for it among the commotion of other haphazardly lying stuff.
The next day morning, with Calvin in my pant, I felt like a man. I invented newer ways to fiddle with my trouser to complement my regular habit of scratching balls. It was necessary to make some breathing room for the new arrival and also its introduction to the world. I was damn sure that my new chaddi was the hottest thing on the street and partly the reason for the traffic jam.
Its been four days that I have that chaddi , and every single day I was under the firm impression that the sun rises only to throw light on it and its sight is the only orgasmic moment for the girls of my building . However, all this was fated to burst today when my office boy heaved a big sigh “Sir. Same to same” I asked “what”
“Our underwear” he said slipping his trousers a little down to reveal his version of that bloody band. “In fact I have just bought 5 of these yesterday for 150” He further revealed, to my utmost chagrin.
I am completely heart broke, not sure if the pangs are due the fact that even an office boy has it or at my foolishness.

Sabse bada rog..Kya kahenge log

Yeh dunia ek rangmach hai babu moshaye.

This famous dialogue of 70’s hit flick Ananda, seemed to have been taken too seriously by some People. Every action, reaction and gesture reeks of their over consciousness of the world around them, which to them is their audience. They seem to be chronically suffering from the notion of being constantly watched over by someone.

Incurably endemic to them is the fear of being caught in a situation which they feel is socially undesirable or even worse, down-market.

I won’t be too surprised if these people, owing to their terminal insecurity, try to pool in the same degree of fictitious style and artificial élan in their most private activities like bathing ,shiting and etc etc etc ;)

Imagine them perched atop a pot painstakingly stirring their ass until convinced to have attained the notionally right pose to post ;)

Imagine if there were no closed toilet and they had to go through daily ritual in the open grounds, the proverbial lota would be the priced possession and another symbol of social status. The middle class would be content flaunting there 1.5 litre Pepsi. A more seasoned wannabe would throw his Chivas Regal in the ring. Whereas the Don Pedro or Swaroski would be the exclusive preserve of the ultra rich.

They are very strongly rooted to their convictions manifested even in the gravest and most unassuming of the situations. They would perhaps not even want their servant to be caught reading a vernacular newspaper and in the most salubrious of climate, keep the car windows closed as it gives an impression of Air conditioning. Examples galore of their histrionics and our planet is grossly crowded with the species.

They can be anyone but themselves. If human being is a social animal, these people are the inmates of a self imagined zoo leashed to their hyper sensitivity in the cage of their unrelenting conformist desire and attitude having completely lost their free flowing originality.I know quite a few people who want to a do lot of things which according to me don't even border on the wildness,promiscuity or even socially objectionable, but curb their desire and natural instincts for they are too scared of external responses to their actions which may not even exist.

I wonder how some things are so simple yet so difficult to achieve. Perhaps maintaining one’s originality is also one of them

A new SHOE-T in the arm

The recession hit shoe industry has been infused a new breath of life by the rising shoe flinging incidents across the world. So much so that a lot of leading footwear makers globally have decided to invest a sizeable chunk of their R&D into designing a footwear that is easy to fling and hits the target with a precision of a ballistic missile.
Leecock, Global leaders in the sports shoe category, are already in the process of creating a shoe that will help all those desperate to be famous folks including journalist community..
Mr. Shoolace Jootawala, Chief of emerging markets, Leecock Plc, refused to divulge the technical details of this new wonder shoe but did mention that this revolutionary invention would borrow from the aerodynamics used in the aero planes so that the shoe can travel long distance “This is very important considering that our large set of customers are found in election rallies in places like India where the distance between the thrower and the receiver is too far” explained Mr.Jootawala.
It has been learnt that some companies are also trying to invent a shoe along the lines of self guided missiles so that the thrower can make sure that once programmed to a particular object, the shoe find its own way to hit the target.
Our reliable sources have also learnt that ‘Chanta’ , a household name of footwears in the Indian subcontinent has secretly tested a fling specialist hawai chappal for the journalist of small newspaper as low cost alternative to expensive brands like Leecock and BadiAss.

If the recent clandestine meetings of Mr.Jootawala with Muntadar al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist, widely respected as father of Shoe Flinging are anything to go by , there is every possibility of him being appointed as the brand ambassador of the Leecock’s next offering.
There also reports of Mr.Jarnail Singh Shoemaarker opening a Show throw academy where the journalists will be taught the dynamics of throwing a shoe in Press conferences and distance throw during rallies.

This has also received a very positive response from the political leaders as it will encourage more and more people in shoe throwing and hence catapult them into the elite category of Bush,Advani and Chidambram. However, the recent shoe throwing incident at Mr.Advani in a rally has sparked new debate among congress and BJP. Congress Spokesman was quoted as saying that Mr.Chidambaram of their party got hit by a brand new shoe of Leecock whereas Mr.Advani was treated with a down-market cheap priced khadau. This according to congress spokesman shows popularity of congress party over BJP .BJP, on the other hand has rebuted congress’s claims on the grounds of research they conducted on the Khadau which according to them was made of an extremely precious wood found in the dense forests of Ireland and hence more expensive then the Leecock (He misspelled the brand name as ‘Lee’s cock’ as a protest of which he was also thrown a shoe at by one brand loyalist). He also mentioned that the same wood is used to produce the pencil used by the security guard of white house to note details of daily visitors.
To score another point over the rival party, he also mentioned that Khadau is a symbol of Masses and hence symbolizes that BJP is party of masses unlike congress which only cares for rich and elite few.
Communist party of India has criticized the BJP and the congress for foreign connections in the shoes thrown at their leaders.
Mr Fududeb Bhattacharya, the chief Minister of West Bengal has credited his party to be the only party with pure and honest nationalist interest.” Unlike BJP and congress who have been hurled shoes made in foreign soil or with foreign raw material our leaders are thrown at lakhani , action or even paragon, complete Indian brands ”

However, the Shoe throwing has also evoked concerns at some quarters. The recent intelligence reports of CIA reveal that the Taliban is training a lethal shoe throwing brigade ‘HisBoots Mujahideen’ for hurling shoes at the next press conference of Barack Obama.
This Brigade will also be equipped with the stinking socks. As a precautionary measure Mr.Obama will address all the press conferences wearing a helmet and is also advised to keep 4 packs of Odonil or other toilet fresheners with him at any given time to alleviate the outbreak of foul smell of the socks which ostensibly have been worn continuously for 3 months without any exposure to any kind of liquid but the sweat of the Taliban fighters.

Okay Folks I think that’s enough of Blogging Shoe-logging.
I am sure quite a few of those who have read, by now must be yearning to throw a few shoes at me but in vain. Don’t worry very soon you will be able to…..Google is developing a new application that will enable you to throw a shoe online via chat and video conferencing.and yahoo is...
Okay okay…M not continuing..That’s it for now

Hey Bhagwan..

A huge sized car with 4 balls (Oh sorry circles…) on its front was lined in the traffic among other relatively insignificant moving boxes. I was walking down the Mahalaxmi Bridge marveling at the curvaceous beauty with the size of a beast when this sight triggered a flurry of thoughts. I was suddenly transferred into a world of aspirations and dissatisfaction which lead to anger and complaints.

Anger against destiny and complains against God. I took a huge last puff off the cigarette, crushed it with my boots in Rajnikant style and decided to do an Amitabh Bachhan on the God. I scampered off to a nearest temple with a vengeance and beckoned him for a face off (I chose male god for males are more emotional than females).

There was a eerie silence for a few seconds broken only by another loud scream of challenge.

Finally the almighty seemed to be provoked enough for the confrontation and made an entry with the usual fanfare of lighting and the Ravindra Jains’ Mahabharata music.

How kiddish and wannabe. The evolved ones don’t resort to much of razzmatazz .It seems that they have been watching too much of WWE up above. What else can justify an Undertaker like entry?

At the first appearance without sharing any pleasantries I shouted at the god for doling out a raw deal to me

Me: “Kya bhagwan.. See that fellow in Olympics car” God was a little dumbfounded to hear “Which Olympics car” he said

Me: The one that was stuck in traffic with four balls on its front”

God:” Arey Murkh that is called Audi”

Me: Whatever.. See that’s exactly what I have come here to discuss with you. .why have you eluded me of these good things of life”

“Maine aaj tak tumse kuchh nahi manga lekin..”

I had not even finished the sentence that the god descended on me

“U ehsaan faramosh .. Are u suffering from short term memory loss or what… Just yesterday you had goofed up by replacing N with G while addressing your Boss Nandu kishore in a mail and the moment you realized the blunder you frantically tried to cancel the mail while squealing “God please save me”

Every other day you have constipation you call for my mercy…Do you think I am a Kayam churn or what.”

I retorted. - “Its okay.. I may have done that and anyways that’s your Job to help the mankind.”

Almighty immediately snapped back upon hearing this “OHOO..AHAA look who is preaching about the job. The flawless Goofer who can’t do a thing without making a mistake. But I must appreciate your consistency”

But I was in no mood to let this conversation segue into an unwanted territory. I was there for a purpose. I told him to cut the crap and listen to me “Mera number kab ayega” I said sternly. God grinned with an irritating glee in his eyes and said “Shyadad Kabhi nahi kyon ki tere number bahut kam hain”

I asked “what numbers are you talking about”

“Everywhere.. Your numbers in school, college and also now in appraisal forms” He replied.

I was astonished by the indifference and shouted back saying “What the hell do you mean by less numbers!! I scored more than 60% in my graduation”

“Oh yeah 60%..But was it not the lowest in the class of 80?”He asked tauntingly

“It was again not my mistake your fortune writers seem to have a personal agenda against me. If those scheming buggers fated me to be in class of super intelligent (champions of mugging , to be honest) what is my fault in it?.

Rather it’s your failure as a super boss of this creation .You don’t know what is happening in your universe. Have you ever reviewed the work of the company you have outsourced the fortune writing to?

Have you ever tried to find out the gadbad ghotala and biases they make while documenting destinies of the mankind? You are just lying in your cosy 3 BHK apartment watching either wrestling or MTV roadies or chatting to apsaras of the swarglok”

And by the way, I know that you have regular scuffles with your consorts over your dalliances. However, I am not that cheap to sneak into your personal life. But I must say that this outsourcing thing has completely spoiled you”

God was completely astounded and also caught unprepared by the accusation and asked angrily “What bakwas are you doing. I know everything that is happening and you better stay clear from that chatting thing and get to the point”

I was overwhelmed for having caught the smartest one wrong footed and asked “Okay tell me fast when I am going to be rich and famous, I don’t have much time to waste in this conversation”

God, who by this time had realized that I was not like a mere mortal vulnerable hero of Hollywood movie whom he can get around easily , but a super powered and insurmountable Bollywood super star , said” See child, going by the readily available information that I have of you , the chances are grim but still I will go through your complete record personally in detail and see if there is an iota of good deed and hard work that merits some good destiny”

“But I must tell you that our complaint register is replete with the poor souls who have fallen victim to your mischievous tendencies and vagaries of your naughtiness”.

Though I knew what he was referring to , I feigned complete ignorance and acted completely astonished and shocked by the accusation ” What do you mean by complaints. I have never ever teased a fly”

Luckily, the god was in a hurry and wanted to leave for he had to judge a Bhajan singing talent show organized in heaven by Gulshan Kumar…

He asked me to come over next day morning and continue this discussion. By then, he also promised to personally go through my record for the analysis of my destiny.

I was also in a need of breather to prepare for my defense” Bye and see you tomorrow morning at 9.15 and you better be ready with the final solution tomorrow” I said

The god wished me bye and all the best for the next and disappeared. However, no music this time…Musician may have gone off to sleep bored by this conversation or electricity cut….GOD KNOWS !!!

NANO Ya Na NANO

08:35:52, 08:35:51, 08:35:50….These are the first few seconds of my today morning when I logged on to a website as part of the early morning ritual. My eyes were caught at an unusual sight of a digital clock hanging on the top right side of the home page. I immediately swung my eyes to my wrist watch for the time which was way off the one displayed.

Upon a little deliberation, it occurred to my prematurely worn-out and hence slowed down brain to be a countdown to an eagerly awaited event being touted as a gigantic achievement of modern India. An epochal act of engineering excellence marking India’s big leap towards the snooty coterie of the world’s leading Automobile manufacturers.

Another vindication of the maxim, all small things come in a small package, and a complete antithesis to its name, Nano is one enormous testimony to the rising power of Indian Industrial Ingenuity and its coming of age.

However, in this fervour and loud trumpeting of celebration has drowned a waning yelp of cry from the crippling infrastructure which is even insufficient to handle the current lot of machines plying on our roads and accommodate the ever inflating number of cars in its scantily available parking space.

This gift by TATA to an aspiring Indian middle class could turn out to be a time bomb in the making, waiting to blast into a never ending caravan of cars, dotting already over crowded Indian roads capturing every little inch left.

Not only the never ending anaconda like snarl ups , an acute mismatch between the parking space available and the number of vehicles further throws a spanner on the joy of owning the car. Add to this chaos the toxic gases these mean machines will vomit and it becomes a perfect recipe for a disaster.
I feel that the answer to the rising needs and aspiration of Indian middle class is not a Nano , but a world class public transport system which provides them with the comfort, safety and reliability of a personal four wheeler , even if it comes at a premium. But like always, our government’s intentions have lagged way behind the abilities and vision of our entrepreneurs. Many projects meant to change the landscape of Indian Public transport system are running terrible behind their schedules or caught up in the warp zone of beaureacracy.

My apprehension about Nano however does not mean to take anything away from the admiration that Ratan Tata and his team merits for making millions of people realize their dream of owning a car.
My fear stems from a feeling that Nano is product that due to lack of supporting infrastructure(Wide Roads, Flyovers and Parking space) is a little ahead of its time and portends a pandemonium which will do more harm than good.

The terrorist in us..Lets kill it...

On 26^th November …My Incredible India fell again, and got itself smacked onto the same stone it had stumbled before.. as it never took pains to clear the way.. .

In a manner of a ritual, and a precise sequence of a mathematical formula, every terror attack is ensued by a series of events..which if braced together look like an umpteenth remake of the same movie…All that follows is

• Change in the cabinet resulting out of forced resignations of the some incompetent minister to be replaced by another equally or more incompetent and impudent one.
• Anti govt and anti terror protests by various public organizations – Characterised by a candle march…and also some clichéd sound bites by page three personalities surrounded by people shoving each pother to be in the frames of camera – their historical moment of glory…
• Paens of praise are sang in the remembrance of the martyrs and the other lost souls.
• Announcements of compensations to the injured and the families of those who lost their lives.. – Some organizations spend more money in media blowing the trumpet of their so called ‘generosity’ than they actually donate.It forces one to think as if they were desperately waiting for this ONE BIG MOMENT to show their large hearts to the world…

This time has not been different either…Just that that the clarion calls on the streets have been joined by a plethora of anti terror and anti govt.websites urging people to become a member to mark their resentment and anger against the terror. (Which I believe will only be used later for a database to sell some credit cards or home loans)..

Again and again…One terror strike after another…We have shamelessly stood up the roofs screaming to the top of our voice about our ‘undaunting spirit’....’Mumbai spirit’. UTTER BULL ***...The most convenient excuse to parry action… It is the compulsion of existence and not the Non fearing, brave character…We have repeatedly tried to fool ourselves to bask in the glory of illusionary strapping fortitude when none exist, resulting in paralysis of the guts.

Government has always been the one to draw the flak, and rightly so… but why just blame the government, we are equally responsible.. We are the larger culprit. After all government is as good as its public.

The government and administration is to serve the public and we being their masters are equally to be blamed… for we have failed to push the competitive levels of our administrators.

The biggest damage of the 60 years of inefficient governance has been the spoilt, stoic, corrupt and unconcerned public with little or no concern for anything ad anyone beyond the four walls of their houses.

• We have been rarefied by the personal liberties that other countries dream of.
• We have been spoilt for we believe and rightly so, that we can get away by the gravest of crimes either due to our power, money or incapability of the administration to punish us.
• We lose our self esteem at getting frisked by a security personnel.
• We pat on our back for our smartness for getting a ticket by breaking the queue…
• We know we can litter our colony with impunity.
• We smug at having got a passport issued earlier than the neigbour by the virtue of a bribe
• We mock and isolate the honest, the whistle blower….Perhaps its not cool to be one.. Is it ?
• We don’t want to rally for the politician who refuses to offer personal favours.
• We don’t want to be levied on strictness of administration We don’t want to be enforced discipline upon..

However, when a 26/11 happens, we will certainly manifest our seething anger, will feel momentary restlessness of doing something for our country…But this all ends here. Like Dry Suds.

Our politicians have been smart enough to exploit our slothful and stoic character, resulting in more than 60 years of under-governance.

Its high time we stood up against the terrorist… Not just the ones who threat us with guns from Pakistan… but also the ones who have found safe haven in all of us…. Its high time we stoop up against ourself..Our instincts… our temptation to find shortcuts. Our tendency to take things lying down.

Yes Enough is Enough….Enough of our indifference. Enough of our cowardice. Enough of Our impudence…Enough of our narrow parochialism…enough of sheltering under ignorance…

Enough of Talking..Now its time to act against ourself…. start this revolution to change ourself..If there is any revolution now worth starting.. that is it..

I pledge to do so...Yes, I may be alone..I may not be cool anymore...but I will...

Making of a new brand of terrorism...

For the last few days the media has been fraught with the news of gunning down of Rahul Raj by Mumbai police….A young overzealous boy, incensed at the ongoing maltreatment meted out to UPites and Bihar’s in Mumbai by MNS workers..decided to take up the cudgels for his fellow statesmen against the perpetrators of the crime who happen to be his countrymen…
An ugly series of accusations among politicians has followed about the need to encounter, with Maharashtrians defending the move and Bihar politicians among others condemning what they call an highly uncalled for an could be avoided encounter.
However all this usual mudsling and a covert attempt to gain political mileage by highly unscrupulous and disdainful politicians, has shockingly shrouded the larger issue of why did a bright young boy with not even an iota of track record of illegal activity of any kind took such a drastic step ?

This unfortunate incidence unfortunately seems to have brought my worst fears to truth.
Various terror outfits, either in India or abroad have born out of the torture, manhandling and suppression of a weaker section of a society by the stronger ones.
Be it Naxalism..with poor labourers ill-treated by their wealthy feudal land lords for years or the Sikh terrorism in Punjab which gained disastrous proportions as a retaliation against mass killing of Sikhs after Indira Gandhi’s assasination… Be it Palestine or Balkan states or Maoists movement against the monarchy in Nepal.. The uprisings have been caused by the hostilities meted out by one section of the society to another. However, most of these movements invariably swayed away from their cause and eventually tread the same path of injustice and harming innocent public.

My fear is that the current hatred movement in Mumbai against UPites and Biharis , has all the potents of being snowballing into a far more serious menace of a new terrorism…Bhaiyya Terrorism….And the Rahul Raj’s misadventure could be the epochal episode marking its beginning if this hatred and hostility continues for long…

There has been a lot of provocative pin pricking not only by Raj Thackrey and his team of Hooligans but also by the self proclaimed flag bearers of UP and Bihar pride (Read politicians like Laloo Yadav and RamVilas Paswan etc.).. In their usual cavalier disdain towards the nation and the people whose interest they claim to safeguard all that the politicians have been doing is to feed their dirty political objectives…
I was really shocked by the news of Laloo Yadav apathetically stoking the emotional flames by announcing to send a train from Bihar to Maharashtra for Chhat Puja. I could not understand that how could that have helped the UPites and Biharis from MNS torture.
This came very close to the heels of his threat to stop trains in Mahrashtra..….None shows the foul attitudes and hideous intents of our politicians better than Laloo’s misconception of owning railways if he is the Railway minister.

With this hatred campaign of MNS which Shiv Sena has been propagating for long we must ask if this will mark the beginning of various groups and sub groups already claiming reservation and perks their own exclusive territories… And India with its unique composition of thousands of small ethnic groups will again move to a prehistoric system of clan based society.

Any steps taken against the immigrants will be initiation of another problem than the solution.. Ten years hence we may witness another such ugly contest between Konkans and Vidhrbha in Maharashtra…West UP and East UP…Doaba and Malwa in Punjab…so on and so forth.
Where will this buck stop????

Defection of people from the lesser prosperous regions to a wealthy land of opportunities is a worldwide phenomena. London houses a lot of Polish and East European population.. A lot of Indians we proudly call as NRI’s have moved to various parts of world in search of greener pastures.

However, the solution does not lie in perpetrating hatred against the immigrants but creating enough earning opportunities in places like Bihar and UP instead of resort to confrontationist and equally destructive practices the likes of Raj Thackrey and Laloo has initiated.
A lot of soul searching needs to be done by Bihar and UP politicians to find out why it’s per capita contribution to Indian exchequer is so low as compare to its per capita criminal cases to the Indian courts…
It has become highly fashionable in political circuits to criticize Narendra Modi for his ‘Communal agenda’ but most fail to see his contribution to the Gujarat by making it the country’s economic power….

The only solution lies in the creation of enough opportunities for everyone at the pan India level…At least immigrant bashing and anti immigrant movements will do nothing but spark the flame of revolutions and terror and the only innocent LOCALS will be at the receiving end…..

There is dire need at this time for someone sitting at a high chair with some authority to get to the gravity of the problem at hand instead of fanning the flames, else this seemingly small spark may assume the form of disastrous and inexorable conflagration..